breaking hearts has never looked so cool

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 08:52:20 GMT

once again.. im abandoning this.
im going crazy.. after all.

yess

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 05:59:32 GMT

fucking fun nite
mellow mushroom, starbucks, adventure landing..
i had to school those fuckers in air hockey.
but i lost putt putt. shit. eric even beat me and he played with the plastic kids club hah.

dustin and i bought our nyc tickets tonite.. heeckk ya. still gotta get the hotel though.
oh, and so *the ex* told me i was soft today and new york would eat me alive.
i laugh at thee.

dustin and i are going to the lakehouse tonite.. yeah its 2am.
so what.
fuck you haters. and people that have to work on weekends. ew.
ok gotta get packed.
byee

good lord.

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 16:09:09 GMT

what a night. i passed out during the party, and i woke up at like 4am to find dustin curled up on the dining room floor. i guess he got sick of waiting for everyone to get off the couch and leave lol. last nite was fun, and glad alex came over since she's leaving for cali tonite. we've barely known her 3 weeks and she's already going! why can't other stores take the incompetent fucks instead. gr.

lucy came over for awhile but she got tired and left early.. illona fucked me over yet again. whatever.. im getting sick of her bullshit. some girls just make lousy girlfriends AND friends.

daytona was fun.. got to see aidan (THE most precious boy i've ever had the pleasure to meet in my life). He's almost a year old and he's almost talking... he rocks! before i left, i told him bye and he waved to me.. so cute :) i want one. yanno, one day. stevie was fun too.. she definitely hasn't changed a bit. "youre so skinny dan" followed by a jab to the ribs.. yep, thats stevie. thanks for letting me stay the nite on that LOVELY fouton though.. and how about BOTH bridget jones movies. christ! lol

im glad i got to see the parents too.. i made my dad some cds bc he likes my music to listen to on the way to work. he was pretty quiet, not quite cold though. he doesn't owe me anything. im really thrilled they invited me for dinner and everything and that i actually got to hug them both. that really lifted my spirits...

i saw my sister too.. she's 7 months along now. my little nephew jacob matthew remillard... what an original name. nevermind... :) i felt him kicking and moving around and stuff. what's wild is.. my sister has only gained like 4 lbs. through this whole thing. we are like, the skinniest assholes ever.

god a lot of people were at my house last nite.. wtf. im so not cleaning this shit up either. i wanna leave so fucking bad.
we're supposed to buy our tickets today
but lucy had this thing with this guy in nyc
and now shes saying she can get her ticket free
she just has to stay with him a lot.
seriously.. what the fuck.

laine seems happy.. i hope she's happy.
i really really do.
im just so scared she's going to disappear on me..
my feelings havent changed..
at all
and i dont know why
all i know is that this must be love bc i'll never tire of dreaming of her.
i think i broke down out of nowhere last nite. as evidenced by my drunk entry last nite.
well, that happens sometimes. i guess its better than being constantly depressed about it but yeah.. it still doesnt exactly thrill me.

i guess i should give her her stuff back.. she probably wants those snow boots. and i think i have a couple sweaters of hers.. some shirts. i dno.. i havent looked in so long :( maybe ill just mail them to her house.

i dont think anyone benefits from seeing each other face to face right now.
i'd love nothing more than to see her again.. but not like this.

god.. first love. i bet she thinks i'm naive.

blah. i have to work today.. so ok.. maybe ill break down again now.

i hate you

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:18:13 GMT

nothing like a drunken stupor
to really put depression into perspective
tonite was dustin's birthday.. and people are at my house right now
but im so unhappy..

i think im going to cry.
what the fuck.

good week

Tue, 31 May 2005 20:29:21 GMT

i don't even feel like writing this right now
but i honestly have found nothing else to do to right now
i just got off work.. lovely day. as always right?! k.
anyways.
last nite was.. relaxing. everyone came over again
but we just ate dinner together and watched family guy
everyone was either too beat or too broke to drink anyway
so it worked out well
dustin and i smoked though.. like 5 mins before dinner.
OH MY GOD IM STILL HUNGRY.
ha.

lucy stayed and hung out with me for awhile after everyone left at like 2
we talked about the big move and stuff
and then we fell asleep on my bed
and i woke up at like 5am drooling.
smoking is one hell of a cure to my insomnia
but it totally puts your ass out :)

i think eric and i might do something tonite.. either that or im gonna hang with lucy or jess.. honestly, i have no clue. so whatever.

im gonna go find some leftovers now

blaaahhh!!!

Mon, 30 May 2005 20:57:05 GMT

work was boring.
i did really well today though.
and at least it was just a 4 hour shift.

terrance is cooking dinner
but apparently i have to do the dishes afterwards
so... hmmph!

ugh! and i missed family guy last nite!
kinda sucks..
but i did chill with the guys from work again
that was awesome.. even though dustin is a bad influence.
why couldnt i have had these friends when i was with laine?
things would have been SOOOO much simpler! ahh!!!

anyways.
i had fun as always..
today i got a little down about her.. on accident
basically i found a shirt in my old laundry bag
that i hadnt opened since i moved
aand i went to smell it to see if it was clean
and well.. it smelled like laine instead.
why oh why :(

ok time for dinner.. i think tonite is going to be the first quiet nite in awhile..
i need some time alone though.. i have a backlog of things to work out in my head.

if anyone still actually reads this
have a good nite..

oooh bitch!!

Mon, 30 May 2005 01:06:06 GMT

you know
if i have to hear one more word out of mya's mouth
im going to stick a grenade in it and pull the fucking pin.
"omg whos turn is it to clean the kitchen?"
"what do you mean you dont have bleach?!"
"what do you mean you don't have sponges?!"
"ew you clean like a boy!"
"yeahh youre going to make some lady REALLY happy, dan"

die woman.
i never invited you here in the first place
not the first time and certainly not this time.
i was VERY happy with my week until now.
god damn i hate nagging bitches.. i just hate women that JUST COMPLAIN.
SHUT UUUPPP!!!

fuck!
so.
im going to go smoke with dustin again tonite
last nite was a fucking blast..
and tonite i think eric wants to chill too.. hmm
lucy was in north carolina last time i talked to her
cant believe shes driving straight through..
she's a gritty bitch.

was supposed to grab coffee with megan today but i forgot to call her
oh well.
tomorrow i think im supposed meet up with jess at starbucks
but i dont really feel like calling and confirming shit right now

almost a month apart from laine..
and now she's written me off completely
guess things haven't gone as i hoped, huh.

jesus im just going to look out for myself from now on

im showering, gettin ready, and im out.

whatever.

Sat, 28 May 2005 23:45:45 GMT

aw poor lainey
i've ruined manhattan for her.
yeah hun.. bc i care that much
what an ego.
not everything in my life revolves around you
and certainly not a whole lot lately.
maybe i've given you that impression just a BIT too much

and seriously.. its new york city.
i have no fucking intention of contacting you.
you said you were coming back anyhow so what the fuck
unless you were lying to me to get me off your back.

whatever the case.. i dont fucking care.
i have some amazing opportunities up there
you have no IDEA how this went down..
and you never will

youre a selfish bitch right now.
grow up... its manhattan.
there are 8 million people there...
so go fuck someone else over for a change.

im terribly sorry if this hurts you.
but you are not my problem anymore.

whew

Sat, 28 May 2005 07:24:23 GMT

great nite again tonite, although i really should have taken a nap earlier bc now i can barely hold my head up.. too much drinking will help this whole sleeping process along too i guess. i talked to my dad today... he was actually cordial.. and it felt like i was talking to someone that loved me.. i did love that conversation.. im going to daytona to have dinner with my parents and grandparents on wednesday and i think im staying at stevie and christine's before i head back to jax for dustin's 21st birthday bash. i get to see the lil one for the first time too! he's so precious, and he's already walking. i cant believe stevie and i just stopped being friends over something so stupid! oh well.. whats done is done and im just glad god is allowing me to make amends with a lot of people before i leave. i need to forgive laine.. and i hope that she can forgive me.. bc all of this is such bullshit.. and silly.. bc i still love her to death.. but now it's time to say goodbye. this is the only way i can really take a shot at making my dreams come true.. and she's the one that's inspired me to do it.. so i guess i owe her a thanks too.

i love this new weezer album.. thanks dustin
i swear i love these kids from work.. i really hope i can convince eric to move with us.. he's got a lot fewer attachments than dustin..
still though, dustin is probably going to move there soon enough...
i told him if he does this with me, ill move to china with him.
im so serious!
fuck settling down.. fuck taking shit so seriously!!
im officially a nomad again... and im going to enjoy my life to the fullest
starting in the greatest city on earth!

im going to miss so many of you.. so much.
now does anyone want to buy a 97 328i? :)

wow

Thu, 26 May 2005 09:10:04 GMT

one of the best nights on record...
i really work with some amazing kids.. thank god.
we're nerds, and we can't stay off our powerbooks
but we drank and/or smoked a lot, and shared a lot of great music..and memories..
eric was the last one to leave.. at 4:30. what a night..

within a year..
dustin and i decided we're going to move to nyc and work at one of the new stores theyre building there. midtown sounds nice!
we're going to sell our cars!! hell yah.
we tried to get eric to go along with our plan but he likes boston too much..
thats just a minor setback.. we can just get tyler to go instead.

james and dustin chilled til about 3... they looked like they were about to pass out so we let them go home.. but theyre going to make up for it this w/e. next thursday is dustin's 21st birthday too so you can be damned sure we're all getting fucked up then.

i kept thinking of laine throughout the night... i kept pausing and staring at the wall and eric kept waving his hand in front of my face to snap me out of it. his gf of three years just broke up with him.. so he's kinda depressed too i guess. that, or just really angry.

been there, done that.. im sad, and im sorry i blew up on her today... its hard to swallow things you dont want to hear (she knows exactly how this feels too).

oh well! it was a good nite and i hope we can make this a regular thing. this weekend shawn and the other eric are probably going to come over too and maybe we'll invite alexandra.. she's a cool chick... but not the creepy new girl.. for some reason, everything she says has something to do with her father. i dont know how to explain it.. but its just disturbing. plus the pink shorts straight out of 1993 she wore today caused a few complaints. it's not the way she dresses.. its just that no one wants to see that shit! ack.

im exhausted! 5am.. its time for bed.. i have to work at 3.. not bad, and at least the night was spent in good company. if you read this...then btw... i love you <3

:) gnite

mellow day

Wed, 25 May 2005 15:57:13 GMT

stevie told me this today about her son aidan:

"i was watching aidan play and he turned around and saw me and he dropped his book, smiled, crawled over to me and gave me a kiss, then he hugged me, and then he crawled back to his book, and continued playing. got me all teary eyed"

i got all teary eyed at that too..
soooo cute!!

talked to laine briefly this morning.
thats always a nice thing really..
i miss her more than words could ever relay on here
no one has a CLUE how much i love this woman.
im not even going into it today :)

no work today
so im off to the pool

Tue, 24 May 2005 15:21:36 GMT

im going to the pool!!!!!!!!!!!!!
eat shit you pale fuckers!

:)

zzzz

Tue, 24 May 2005 07:43:01 GMT

sleepy time.
time to dream of her
and wake up feeling loved.
even though.. im not.. really. well, yah i dno.
but at least i know she's not totally given up on my ass
our talks are always brief but always encouraging.
i really didn't mean any harm by what i wrote..
hell, she knows i love her.. so.. YEAH.
i love her. i love her. i love her.

thats one constant she has.. and i intend to keep it that way
she has no idea how stubborn i am :)
<3

laine

Tue, 24 May 2005 00:46:44 GMT

thank you
i love you
and i know at least... how you feel now
thats all i wanted to say.. mwah
<3

blog

Mon, 23 May 2005 14:32:36 GMT

i like to confuse people
so ive been posting in my lj and my blog again
until i get the whole lj plugin to work on my blog
thats just the way its going to be.

underthetracks.org

someone buy me a camera so i can actually have a decent photoblog !
thanks.

gnite

Mon, 23 May 2005 04:37:45 GMT

this is the earliest i'll have gone to bed in quite a while
there is a part of me that wants to stay up..
for a stupid, stupid reason that i wont go into

i have to work at 11 again..
at least i wont be late this time.. er well i hope anyway

this is going to sound really stupid
but i met a woman named hope the other day
and i was thinking.. with names like that..
i dno its retarded.. i hope hope...
i have faith in faith...
why is this bothering me right now? lol

oh
i found out im going to have a nephew today.. ill be an uncle soon :x
was really hoping for a niece, but im sure my sister will get knocked up again soon after this one's born.. so no worries.
he's supposed to be a virgo (like my mom.. and laine.. and all crazy people jk :)
no matter what.. im going to love that boy like my own... he just better not have fucking red hair.

i cant wait :)

im getting sad that i dont have a decent camera... i have so much that i want to capture in my life.. everything around me.. ahh i want to record it!

maybe when i get the other job..
hm.

misery loves meeee..

Sun, 22 May 2005 20:26:18 GMT

well last nite was.. interesting.
shawn came over after work and we drank while waiting for mark and dustin
but shawn ended up having to go take the dog out or something and couldnt stay (married life rocks!)
so mark eventually comes over with 2 underage girls
they were surprisingly not all that dull
but of course, when youre 16 you have a curfew!
i swear.

work today fucking sucked. i got 2, maybe 2 and half hours of sleep again
i was still drunk when i came into work to.. 15 mins late of course
i dont remember taking a shower.. but it might have happened. w/e really.

i saw a girl with two big toes at work. i had to run in the back and compose myself.

then i texted laine and told her how much i loved her and her perfect feet.

im doing ok on that front too... but cute girls come in all the time and flirt.
and sure i flirt back.. its natural, but i just.. can't seem to get interested whatsoever.
i miss laine with all my heart.. i pretty much treat all girls but her like shit right now. defense mechanism i guess.
i know that with each passing day.. i probably fade further and further from her mind.
im learning to be in love and not expect anything back.
its a lovely thing. REAAAAALLY.

im doing my best here.
but so much is just out of my hands.

Fri, 20 May 2005 09:04:24 GMT

its 5am. drunk as a dog.
im going to bed.
i work at 2.
everyone come see me !

la la... nothing to write

Thu, 19 May 2005 17:56:03 GMT

just got off work..
uh.. i ran out of gas this morning.
that was fun.
being an hour late to work topped it though
i should try sleeping for a change
maybe then i'll actually preserve some short-term memory

i feel gross, and im going to eat and take a shower and fall asleep somewhere comfortable.

its a pretty nice day but i feel too crappy for the sun
i get paid tomorrow at least.
bleh.

im really sick of this new red jetta showing up in our parking lot.
theres only room for one red jetta god damnit.
hah salt life stickers make me smile.

im losin it :)

wow

Tue, 17 May 2005 23:10:31 GMT

you looked incredible.. and i didnt recognize you walking in.
my heart skipped a few beats... and then some.

its weird..
i dont even give a shit that youre smoking again.
if you had started smoking crack and stripping at one of the places courtney applied to...
i wouldnt care.
its not like its my place to say anything anyway
it was just nice to see you.
it reaffirmed a lot of things for me.. and i needed that to happen.

i hope chris fixes your ipod..
see you around hun? <3

good movie

Tue, 17 May 2005 06:29:49 GMT

the life aquatic.. hah wow.
go rent it.
that provided some much needed comic relief!
whew :)

ugh

Tue, 17 May 2005 03:52:58 GMT

im tired.. still havent gotten the ac fixed.. so im hot too
i miss her
more today than ever..
and i dont know why

and now.. i miss different things about her
than i did when we first broke up

its like this pain is ever evolving
just to stay one step ahead of me
why must these things get under my skin
and why wont she let me fix her ipod!

i just want to fast forward time.

Sat, 14 May 2005 09:52:56 GMT

tonight, i feel like a part of me has died. im choking back the tears on yet another sleepless night. this time, the pain is so real.. so absolute.. and absolutely terrifying.. i feel like ive destroyed my relationship with my father. he called me today... and he has such anger.. such resentment, and dare i say, hate in his voice. i know he loves me.. but my dad can't conceal his emotions like my mom. he let me have it, and i had not yet been more frightened in my life.

why does nothing motivate me? laine was the only person that ever managed to change me somewhat, and while that was a great thing, i can't keep relying on someone backing me into a corner to change. I HATE MYSELF so many days... i hate that im losing laine... HATE having these feelings of withdrawal. i hate missing her, i hate that so many songs remind me of her and always will, i hate that seeing her get online late at night makes me feel completely worthless, i hate feeling like i need her. i don't, and although i really would like to salvage a friendship out of this, i guess thats not really up to me.. and w/e to that. and im just SO overwhelmed by everything else.. everything is blurring together. i don't know why or what these tears are for.

lucy and i are going to the pool tomorrow and we're going to do a little one on one therapy. we're fucked up and we need each other's help lol. she gave me a hug today after my dad called... and that made my day. who knew that there are friends out there that will stick by you. illona has also totally been here for me.. go figure. the girl that i basically screwed over for laine actually forgave me and tries to do everything she can to just take my mind off it all. thank the lord for some fucking character in this world. chas and pat have been trying to get me drunk.. alec too... but i just haven't been up for it. for the first time in my life, i think im the person i want to be.. hell, people like me, but all my past mistakes are forever haunting me.. i can't escape them no matter how hard i try. im so close to running into yet another dead end..

ugh.
my mouth is so dry.. i honestly can't remember breathing for the past 10 minutes.
jesus.

asdaf

Sat, 07 May 2005 02:40:18 GMT

well
a package came for laine the other day
so i decided id go into maggianos today and give it to her
whats the big deal.
id just face her and id get that over with
ok.. uh bad idea.

she didnt even turn around to look at me.
she can't face me... and now i feel bad for putting her in that position.
i basically crawled into a corner at work and cried.
ok not exactly.. but i felt like doing just that.
i guess things are more fucked up than i even thought.
ugh :(

i love her..
and just being in the same room with her..
well i started shaking
and to have her act the way she did..
my heart felt like it was sliced in two
and i left maggianos with only one half.

i only want her in my life somehow... some way
and now.. i basically have to cut off communication for now
im not helping. AT ALL.

im sorry.

haircut/stuff

Fri, 06 May 2005 00:48:18 GMT

i think i like it.. its pretty drastic, even though you cant tell in this picture.. i just needed something more manageable.. i didnt do it because im trying to like reinvent myself here. well i am, but, my hair has nothing to do with it!

i hate my camera.. so im not even going to bother trying to take more with it. and i can't figure out how the hell to take snapshots with my iSight.. i used to do it! grr.

i called into work today.. but i called in TO work, not to get out of work. extra 5 hours today. sweet. im waking up at 5am tomorrow to do construction.

yeah, im a baller.. tonight's dinner: pork chops and corn! and a can of root beeer! thank jeeysssusss! well, whatever.

i miss her.
forgot to mention that one.
ha.

today i parked 2 cars away from her again and i didnt realize it until i left tonite
seriously, im not TRYING to stalk her.. but thats just the way its happening here.

whew.
ok.
where are those pork chops?!

update: holy shit. those were the best pork chops ive ever eaten in my life. i love my roommate. this is a guy that buys meat based on if he sees "SALE" on the label or not. this is the poorest ive ever been.. and this is the best ive ever eaten. touche terrance. touche.